The Truth About Why Men Cheat

Team up on your to-do list:What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys? he thought. So for his new book, The Truth About Cheating, Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity - including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness - and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values - it'll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up - and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get better sex with a better-looking body. "In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter - it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night. Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs - you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating - especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control - your own behavior - and take the lead in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, "I think we've started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

Four Successful Steps to Seducing a Woman

There are some men who seem to naturally have success in their dealings with women. Some people call them players, others call them Don Juans. Whatever the name, these men are adept at getting women to take a relationship from the public sphere to the bedroom, and they have four basic commonalities in their thoughts and actions. If you follow in their footsteps, your seduction will be far more successful than it was before.The first thing all successful seducers share is the core belief that women enjoy sex just as much as they do, even if they won't admit it. Men with less skill at seduction believe the opposite -- that women dislike having sex and do everything possible to avoid it -- and set themselves up to fail. The fact is, women who are healthy and well-adjusted enjoy having sex a lot more than many men suspect! It's public opinion that prevents her from acting on her natural instincts.That's why it's important to know the second thing all successful seducers know: that it's up to the man to be assertive in bed. Again, unsuccessful seducers believe the opposite -- that it's the lady's place to call the shots -- and let their fear of rejection lead to sexual frustration. Women in Western society are socialized to let a man take the lead; it all comes from traditional values handed down for centuries. In order to go with her feelings about a sexual encounter, a woman must be able to reason to herself that the man was just too irresistible, that she couldn't help herself or she was swept off her feet.Take a moment to think about this: in our society, a man who is known to go out with many women is looked upon as fortunate, socially desirable, and sexually potent. A woman who is known to go out with many men is looked upon as distasteful, immoral, and a terrible associate. Promiscuous men develop personality cults; promiscuous women are shunned from the social sphere. It's just how it is in our society, but understanding that dynamic is important to using it to your advantage.So now that you know the two most important things to keep in mind about women -- that they like sex and they expect men to take the lead -- there are two actions that go with it.First, a successful seducer will carefully groom everything he says and does to the specific purpose of putting a woman's logical mind at ease and her emotions engaged. He does this in order to put her reason and her emotions on the same level. He knows that women are naturally emotional creatures who will listen to their emotions when given the choice between thought and feeling, and that making her feel good while keeping her mind worry-free will take him places. Rather than setting off alarm bells in her head by saying directly suggesting a trip back to her place, a successful seducer says something like, "I don't have a lot of time, but I'd love to stop by your place and pick up that book." This calms her mind because it's a completely legitimate reason for the two of you to be alone together. The false time constraint also sets her mind at ease.The other technique successful seducers use is "two steps forward, one step back." They press the advantage for a while then return to a less intense phase in the process to draw out the seduction, let his lady enjoy the experience, and continue to nonverbally assure her that it's not all about sex -- because if it were, you'd go straight from kissing to getting naked, and that's precisely what should not happen in any seduction situation.For example, when you get to the point where clothes are starting to fall to the floor, take some time to forget about the rest of the clothes and go back to kissing and cuddling. Let the intensity increase naturally to the point where more clothes come off. When there are no more clothes, take plenty of time to explore her body before getting down and dirty.Now you know the four secrets to a successful seduction. Women like sex. Women want men to take the lead. Plausible deniability is a woman's best friend. Two steps forward, one step back. Good luck!

The Newlywed Fight Club

Do you and your spouse seem to be arguing over nothing lately? Here’s how to KO little rifts before they start.

Many couples come back from their honeymoon and find out that -- surprise! -- the honeymoon really is over. He won’t listen. She works too late. His mother-in-law meddles. She complains about his mother-in-law meddling. Do these cliches sound embarrassingly familiar?
Take a deep breath and remember every major life change has a learning curve, and marriage isn’t something you know how to do yet. It takes time, practice, and a little bit of advice to get it right. Here are some common fightin’ words and how to avoid the problem altogether."You never nuke the burrito long enough!"Fighting is a healthy way to express yourself, especially if it’s something that’s really bothering you. But it’s important to know what’s worth fighting for. Silly arguments will just wear you both down and breed resentment. So don't mention every little thing that annoys you. Decide what issues are crucial to maintaining a good relationship before you bring them up. And when you do bring them up, be ready to listen as well as talk.
“Hush, I’m watching TV.”One of the biggest problems newlyweds encounter is a lack of communication. It can be hard to tell your spouse that something is bothering you, and it’s just as daunting to ask, “What’s wrong?” But, unfortunately, ignoring problems isn’t going to make them go away. Before talking about it, figure out why something is bothering you. That is, if you think every problem is 100 percent your spouse’s fault, then it’s unlikely you’re being 100 percent honest with yourself. It takes two to tango, and most problems are caused and resolved by two people.
“That’s not the way I do it.”When dating, you can sometimes look at your mate as almost perfect -- someone to change or conquer. Now that you’re married, it’s important to remember that while you’re both on the same team, you’re individuals in every sense of the word…and that’s a good thing. Your goal should never be to change the other person (an utterly preposterous task), but to make one another a better person. That starts by respecting differences of opinion.
“I didn’t know you were going out tonight…”You share an address, a bed, and maybe even a last name. That’s reason enough to give each other space once in a while. After getting married, years of ingrained behavior isn’t going to suddenly stop, and trying to give up independence cold turkey is like a crackhead giving up crack cold turkey -- it ain’t gonna work. If one of you wants to take off with friends on a Friday night, give your spouse an early heads up and come home when you say you’re going to come home. Consideration, communication, and trust will thwart insecurity, jealously, and guilt every time.
“We are not going to videotape this.” So that negligee hasn’t seen the light of day for months? After the wedding, it’s normal for couples to get caught up in daily stresses and neglect their physical relationship. And the biggest pitfall newlyweds fall into is comparing their sex life to what it was, especially when many nights are spent sitting on the couch together paying bills. But shared responsibilities will make you closer. Bring this newfound intimacy into the bedroom and let your guard down, as now is the time to live out all those fantasies and experiment. What? No one is watching.
“That’s going in the basement.” Living together can be quite an adjustment if you didn’t cohabit before the marriage. No matter how compatible you and your spouse are, it's inevitable you’ll have different ideas about everything, from decorating to cleanliness. Combining furniture can be especially stressful. She wants her grandmother’s candle set on the table; he wants to hang his Apocalypse Now poster in the living room. These examples are both about the same thing: your identities. Neither of you wants to lose who you are. So instead of dumping something in the trash, consider keeping it if it makes the other person feel at home. Luckily, most symbols of a past life will become less important over time and likely disappear.
“What the hell is this charge on your AMEX?”You’re used to spending whatever you want, whenever you want (even if you didn’t have it). Not anymore. What one person may see as a necessity, another will see as a waste. That’s why it’s imperative to agree on how to spend money left over after living expenses. How much do you want to save for retirement? How much do you want to spend together, be it on a couch or a vacation to Hawaii? And finally, how much do you each get for yourselves? Then agree you can’t tell each other what to buy with that money. Crisis avoided.
“It’s your mom again; I’m not answering.”How much in-laws are involved in your day-to-day life can be a major thorn in a couple’s side. Just remember that when you tied the knot, you also married each other’s families. Accept that responsibility and obligation rather than fight it (would you want your son- or daughter-in-law to be hostile to you?). The key is to tell each other what you expect from your in-laws and figure out what you can tolerate. Then raise your tolerance level 10 degrees. Once boundaries are established, you’ll be able to put your foot down without starting an argument should any new relation cross the line.

Seven Steps to a Successful Marriage

You’ve said your “I do’s” and you are settling into your new life. Friends and family are already asking how you are adjusting to married life – seems like a pat question that requires a pat response, right? Maybe not.

The truth is that marriage is a very complicated relationship. A successful marriage takes time, a lot of energy and is always a “work in progress”. Although every couple is unique, here are a few steps that will help you reach your goals for happiness and fulfillment.
Step #1: LISTEN UP!Listening sends an incredibly powerful message. When you feel listened to, you feel validated. Listening means just that. If you are listening, you are not speaking! Listening does not mean agreeing or disagreeing. Listening means being open to accepting your partner’s thoughts and feelings, without shooting him down or arguing. When you are listening to what your partner has to say, you are not responding or reacting. Couples who can accept each other’s feelings are happier and feel safer and more secure. Practice listening for the feelings behind the words, the true art of listening. As you become a more effective listener, your partner will be freer to be more open and honest.
Step #2: NURTURE EACH OTHER.Taking care of each other in special ways helps couples to experience a warm, loving, intimate bond. Ask your spouse what he or she finds nurturing. Make a list of what you’ve uncovered. Chat– or even exchange emails -- about your responses and build these behaviors into your daily lives. It is not necessary to do something big and extravagant to make your partner feel special and loved. Nurturing each other goes a long way! Remember, love is a behavior, not just words.
Step #3: IF ONE OF YOU HAS A PROBLEM, YOU BOTH HAVE A PROBLEM.As a couple, you have to focus on each other’s needs. It is no longer just about you! I often hear couples discussing situations and one of them says, “But that is not a problem for me.” For instance, you may tell your husband that you are bothered by his friends dropping by on a regular basis. If your husband looks at you bewildered and states that he is fine with the frequent visits, you will be furious with him for not considering your feelings. When you don’t consider your partner’s needs, you can expect a reaction filled with anger and disappointment. Paying attention to your own needs, while still considering your partner’s needs, is a constant balancing act that is part of any successful marriage.
Step #4: ACCEPT CONFLICT AS PART OF ANY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.Conflicts in a marriage are inevitable. It is important to understand that conflict serves many purposes. Conflict helps us to become aware of problems that need to be solved. Conflict helps to reduce the day-to-day annoyances of relating to someone else. If the message underlying each conflict is, “No matter what, I still love you,” your emotional bonds will grow stronger. If you have difficulty resolving conflict, examine your conflict management style and consider experimenting with other styles. In a successful marriage, there are many conflicts, but they are managed with respect. There is no right and wrong and couples must often agree to disagree!
Step #5: LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR ANGER Everyone gets angry. Anger is often a reaction to frustration, hurt or fear. If one of you is angry, there is a problem that needs to be resolved. It is how you express your anger that is important. You are each responsible for managing these feelings. If you are out of control, you can do permanent damage to the relationship. Make a commitment to a few rules for fair fighting. Focus on the situation at hand without bringing up a list of grievances from the past. Name-calling, sarcasm and putdowns are off limits. Communicate your anger directly by making “I” statements (I feel___, because____). “You” statements blame and accuse and may result in your partner shutting down. Be sure to express your anger, as holding in anger can lead to depression, headaches, stomachaches and other physical symptoms. You might want to work on your own self-esteem if you don’t feel entitled to express your anger.
Step #6: HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.Your spouse is not going to be able to make you happy all of the time. If you are stressed or feeling down, it is your responsibility to manage your own life. Your spouse can support you, but there are limits. Personal issues and conflicts you brought into the marriage do not suddenly vanish. In fact, they may get worse. Marriage works best when two “whole” people join together to share and enhance each other’s live. If you are too needy, you will overload your partner with your needs and demands. Be realistic and accept that you need other relationships and interests in order to feel fulfilled and complete.
Step #7: REACH OUT FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT.The transition from single to married is filled with so many changes. It often takes several years to move from life “my way” to life “our way”. Marriage is always a work in progress. If you feel you are struggling, don’t struggle alone. Reach out to a professional before your problems become overwhelming. If your partner is not willing to participate (at first), go alone because any small change you make will ripple throughout your relationship. Reaching out for help is a great investment and speaks volumes for how much you value your marriage.

Excerpted from Dr. Schweiger’s upcoming book, PARTNERS FOR A LIFETIME: SEVEN STEPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE, to be released in January 2009.

17 Ways to Stop Being a Perfectionist and Get More Done

Although sometimes it may seem like it, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and has at least a few faults. And while it may seem like a noble goal, striving to be a perfectionist in your work or personal life can actually be more of a hindrance than a help in making you successful. Focusing on making every detail perfect can end up making you get less done, not to mention leave you in a constant state of anxiety. These are a few ways you can stop worrying so much about being perfect, enjoy your work, and still get plenty done in a day.
1. Set realistic expectations. While it might be wonderful to finish your current project, start another, get new clients and keep up with all your household chores, the reality is that expectations like that aren’t always realistic. There’s no sense in making yourself feel bad by setting yourself up to fail. You don’t have to be perfect to be productive, so give yourself expectations that are something you can actual accomplish, you can always add on more later if you get ahead of schedule.
Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing. ~Harriet Braiker
2. Give yourself credit. When you set goals for yourself, it’s easy to let yourself concentrate on the things that you haven’t accomplished instead of those you have gotten done. Give yourself some credit for the milestones and small parts of projects that you get done along the way.
3. Accept that you will make mistakes. While it might be hard for the true perfectionists out there, you can get a lot more done if you recognize that no matter what it is you’re doing, there are going to be some mistakes that you’ll make along the way. Accept this, and use these as valuable learning experiences to be better in the future instead of beating yourself up over them.
4. Ask for help. Though you might feel it’s a blow to your pride, asking for help doesn’t make you weak or incompetent. Sometimes having an outside perspective or a little extra help can make all the difference.5. Focus on the present. It can be easy to get caught up in worrying about past mistakes or things that are looming in the future that may never even happen. Instead of trying to perfect your past and future, concentrate on doing what you need to do now to make yourself happy or get more work done.
6. Just get it done. Getting things done perfectly is great, but just getting them done period isn’t too bad either. Focus more on the action of getting things done instead of putting so much effort into worrying about doing each thing perfectly.
7. Relax. When you tense up because you’re worried or nervous about being less than perfect, you can make work a completely miserable and stressful experience. Just relax instead. Even if things don’t turn out perfectly, chances are good that things won’t be nearly as bad as you imagine.8. Focus on the big picture. Perfectionists tend to focus on the little details, nitpicking every tiny aspect of a project, making it take much longer than it should. Let go of the small things so you can focus on the bigger aspects of your projects.
9. Give yourself permission. It can be hard to stop looking at things through the eyes of a perfectionist. You can start by giving yourself permission to be less than perfect and stop thinking of yourself as a failure when you don’t meet your own expectations.
10. Silence your inner critic. That nagging voice inside your head that tells you your work isn’t good enough can drive you to work harder, but it can also drive you crazy trying to achieve impossible perfection. Replace those negative comments with with positive encouragement instead.
11. Realize that someone can always find fault. You could spend hours tweaking a design, website or paper and no matter how much you do to it, someone can still come along and find fault. Everyone’s idea of perfection is different, so understand that no matter how perfect you make something it will never be safe from criticism. Realize this and you’ll be more willing to give yourself a bit of a break.
12. Use it as a motivational tool. Perfectionism doesn’t have to be totally bad. Sometimes it can be a great motivational tool in pushing you forward. The trick is knowing where to draw the line between productive thinking and destructive thinking. If you find your work making you more miserable than happy, then chances are you’ve crossed the line and need to take a step back.
13. Stop comparing yourself to others. It’s fine to have someone to look up to, but constantly comparing yourself to others can ultimately be self destructive behavior. Do the best you can do, not the best someone else can do.
14. Don’t overanalyze. Planning, preparation, and going over your work can be good things, but when you start overanalyzing things to the point that you don’t get started or finished with anything is counterproductive. Remember that it doesn’t matter how great something is if it’s only half done.
15. Lighten up. Your work may not be a joke but that doesn’t mean you have to treat it as a humorless endeavor. Lighten up and you will be less willing to get bogged down in making everything perfect.
16. Learn to take criticism. No matter how perfect your work may seem, you’ll likely get some amount of criticism from users or clients. Learn to take these kind of comments as ways to make your work better, not as attacks on you personally.
17. Stop procrastinating. Though it might seem odd, perfectionism can often lead to procrastination. If you find yourself reluctant to start projects until you can do them just right or until you have the perfect idea you’re likely letting your perfectionism get in the way of getting things accomplished. Just get started, you can always go back and revise later if you don’t like what you’ve gotten done.
Taming your inner perfectionist can be a long and hard fought battle, but it can be worth it in the end if you feel better both about your work and yourself. You’ll avoid loads of frustration, self imposed guilt trips, and maybe even get more done.