Do you and your spouse seem to be arguing over nothing lately? Here’s how to KO little rifts before they start.
Many couples come back from their honeymoon and find out that -- surprise! -- the honeymoon really is over. He won’t listen. She works too late. His mother-in-law meddles. She complains about his mother-in-law meddling. Do these cliches sound embarrassingly familiar?
Take a deep breath and remember every major life change has a learning curve, and marriage isn’t something you know how to do yet. It takes time, practice, and a little bit of advice to get it right. Here are some common fightin’ words and how to avoid the problem altogether."You never nuke the burrito long enough!"Fighting is a healthy way to express yourself, especially if it’s something that’s really bothering you. But it’s important to know what’s worth fighting for. Silly arguments will just wear you both down and breed resentment. So don't mention every little thing that annoys you. Decide what issues are crucial to maintaining a good relationship before you bring them up. And when you do bring them up, be ready to listen as well as talk.
“Hush, I’m watching TV.”One of the biggest problems newlyweds encounter is a lack of communication. It can be hard to tell your spouse that something is bothering you, and it’s just as daunting to ask, “What’s wrong?” But, unfortunately, ignoring problems isn’t going to make them go away. Before talking about it, figure out why something is bothering you. That is, if you think every problem is 100 percent your spouse’s fault, then it’s unlikely you’re being 100 percent honest with yourself. It takes two to tango, and most problems are caused and resolved by two people.
“That’s not the way I do it.”When dating, you can sometimes look at your mate as almost perfect -- someone to change or conquer. Now that you’re married, it’s important to remember that while you’re both on the same team, you’re individuals in every sense of the word…and that’s a good thing. Your goal should never be to change the other person (an utterly preposterous task), but to make one another a better person. That starts by respecting differences of opinion.
“I didn’t know you were going out tonight…”You share an address, a bed, and maybe even a last name. That’s reason enough to give each other space once in a while. After getting married, years of ingrained behavior isn’t going to suddenly stop, and trying to give up independence cold turkey is like a crackhead giving up crack cold turkey -- it ain’t gonna work. If one of you wants to take off with friends on a Friday night, give your spouse an early heads up and come home when you say you’re going to come home. Consideration, communication, and trust will thwart insecurity, jealously, and guilt every time.
“We are not going to videotape this.” So that negligee hasn’t seen the light of day for months? After the wedding, it’s normal for couples to get caught up in daily stresses and neglect their physical relationship. And the biggest pitfall newlyweds fall into is comparing their sex life to what it was, especially when many nights are spent sitting on the couch together paying bills. But shared responsibilities will make you closer. Bring this newfound intimacy into the bedroom and let your guard down, as now is the time to live out all those fantasies and experiment. What? No one is watching.
“That’s going in the basement.” Living together can be quite an adjustment if you didn’t cohabit before the marriage. No matter how compatible you and your spouse are, it's inevitable you’ll have different ideas about everything, from decorating to cleanliness. Combining furniture can be especially stressful. She wants her grandmother’s candle set on the table; he wants to hang his Apocalypse Now poster in the living room. These examples are both about the same thing: your identities. Neither of you wants to lose who you are. So instead of dumping something in the trash, consider keeping it if it makes the other person feel at home. Luckily, most symbols of a past life will become less important over time and likely disappear.
“What the hell is this charge on your AMEX?”You’re used to spending whatever you want, whenever you want (even if you didn’t have it). Not anymore. What one person may see as a necessity, another will see as a waste. That’s why it’s imperative to agree on how to spend money left over after living expenses. How much do you want to save for retirement? How much do you want to spend together, be it on a couch or a vacation to Hawaii? And finally, how much do you each get for yourselves? Then agree you can’t tell each other what to buy with that money. Crisis avoided.
“It’s your mom again; I’m not answering.”How much in-laws are involved in your day-to-day life can be a major thorn in a couple’s side. Just remember that when you tied the knot, you also married each other’s families. Accept that responsibility and obligation rather than fight it (would you want your son- or daughter-in-law to be hostile to you?). The key is to tell each other what you expect from your in-laws and figure out what you can tolerate. Then raise your tolerance level 10 degrees. Once boundaries are established, you’ll be able to put your foot down without starting an argument should any new relation cross the line.
Many couples come back from their honeymoon and find out that -- surprise! -- the honeymoon really is over. He won’t listen. She works too late. His mother-in-law meddles. She complains about his mother-in-law meddling. Do these cliches sound embarrassingly familiar?
Take a deep breath and remember every major life change has a learning curve, and marriage isn’t something you know how to do yet. It takes time, practice, and a little bit of advice to get it right. Here are some common fightin’ words and how to avoid the problem altogether."You never nuke the burrito long enough!"Fighting is a healthy way to express yourself, especially if it’s something that’s really bothering you. But it’s important to know what’s worth fighting for. Silly arguments will just wear you both down and breed resentment. So don't mention every little thing that annoys you. Decide what issues are crucial to maintaining a good relationship before you bring them up. And when you do bring them up, be ready to listen as well as talk.
“Hush, I’m watching TV.”One of the biggest problems newlyweds encounter is a lack of communication. It can be hard to tell your spouse that something is bothering you, and it’s just as daunting to ask, “What’s wrong?” But, unfortunately, ignoring problems isn’t going to make them go away. Before talking about it, figure out why something is bothering you. That is, if you think every problem is 100 percent your spouse’s fault, then it’s unlikely you’re being 100 percent honest with yourself. It takes two to tango, and most problems are caused and resolved by two people.
“That’s not the way I do it.”When dating, you can sometimes look at your mate as almost perfect -- someone to change or conquer. Now that you’re married, it’s important to remember that while you’re both on the same team, you’re individuals in every sense of the word…and that’s a good thing. Your goal should never be to change the other person (an utterly preposterous task), but to make one another a better person. That starts by respecting differences of opinion.
“I didn’t know you were going out tonight…”You share an address, a bed, and maybe even a last name. That’s reason enough to give each other space once in a while. After getting married, years of ingrained behavior isn’t going to suddenly stop, and trying to give up independence cold turkey is like a crackhead giving up crack cold turkey -- it ain’t gonna work. If one of you wants to take off with friends on a Friday night, give your spouse an early heads up and come home when you say you’re going to come home. Consideration, communication, and trust will thwart insecurity, jealously, and guilt every time.
“We are not going to videotape this.” So that negligee hasn’t seen the light of day for months? After the wedding, it’s normal for couples to get caught up in daily stresses and neglect their physical relationship. And the biggest pitfall newlyweds fall into is comparing their sex life to what it was, especially when many nights are spent sitting on the couch together paying bills. But shared responsibilities will make you closer. Bring this newfound intimacy into the bedroom and let your guard down, as now is the time to live out all those fantasies and experiment. What? No one is watching.
“That’s going in the basement.” Living together can be quite an adjustment if you didn’t cohabit before the marriage. No matter how compatible you and your spouse are, it's inevitable you’ll have different ideas about everything, from decorating to cleanliness. Combining furniture can be especially stressful. She wants her grandmother’s candle set on the table; he wants to hang his Apocalypse Now poster in the living room. These examples are both about the same thing: your identities. Neither of you wants to lose who you are. So instead of dumping something in the trash, consider keeping it if it makes the other person feel at home. Luckily, most symbols of a past life will become less important over time and likely disappear.
“What the hell is this charge on your AMEX?”You’re used to spending whatever you want, whenever you want (even if you didn’t have it). Not anymore. What one person may see as a necessity, another will see as a waste. That’s why it’s imperative to agree on how to spend money left over after living expenses. How much do you want to save for retirement? How much do you want to spend together, be it on a couch or a vacation to Hawaii? And finally, how much do you each get for yourselves? Then agree you can’t tell each other what to buy with that money. Crisis avoided.
“It’s your mom again; I’m not answering.”How much in-laws are involved in your day-to-day life can be a major thorn in a couple’s side. Just remember that when you tied the knot, you also married each other’s families. Accept that responsibility and obligation rather than fight it (would you want your son- or daughter-in-law to be hostile to you?). The key is to tell each other what you expect from your in-laws and figure out what you can tolerate. Then raise your tolerance level 10 degrees. Once boundaries are established, you’ll be able to put your foot down without starting an argument should any new relation cross the line.
No comments:
Post a Comment