You’ve said your “I do’s” and you are settling into your new life. Friends and family are already asking how you are adjusting to married life – seems like a pat question that requires a pat response, right? Maybe not.
The truth is that marriage is a very complicated relationship. A successful marriage takes time, a lot of energy and is always a “work in progress”. Although every couple is unique, here are a few steps that will help you reach your goals for happiness and fulfillment.
Step #1: LISTEN UP!Listening sends an incredibly powerful message. When you feel listened to, you feel validated. Listening means just that. If you are listening, you are not speaking! Listening does not mean agreeing or disagreeing. Listening means being open to accepting your partner’s thoughts and feelings, without shooting him down or arguing. When you are listening to what your partner has to say, you are not responding or reacting. Couples who can accept each other’s feelings are happier and feel safer and more secure. Practice listening for the feelings behind the words, the true art of listening. As you become a more effective listener, your partner will be freer to be more open and honest.
Step #2: NURTURE EACH OTHER.Taking care of each other in special ways helps couples to experience a warm, loving, intimate bond. Ask your spouse what he or she finds nurturing. Make a list of what you’ve uncovered. Chat– or even exchange emails -- about your responses and build these behaviors into your daily lives. It is not necessary to do something big and extravagant to make your partner feel special and loved. Nurturing each other goes a long way! Remember, love is a behavior, not just words.
Step #3: IF ONE OF YOU HAS A PROBLEM, YOU BOTH HAVE A PROBLEM.As a couple, you have to focus on each other’s needs. It is no longer just about you! I often hear couples discussing situations and one of them says, “But that is not a problem for me.” For instance, you may tell your husband that you are bothered by his friends dropping by on a regular basis. If your husband looks at you bewildered and states that he is fine with the frequent visits, you will be furious with him for not considering your feelings. When you don’t consider your partner’s needs, you can expect a reaction filled with anger and disappointment. Paying attention to your own needs, while still considering your partner’s needs, is a constant balancing act that is part of any successful marriage.
Step #4: ACCEPT CONFLICT AS PART OF ANY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.Conflicts in a marriage are inevitable. It is important to understand that conflict serves many purposes. Conflict helps us to become aware of problems that need to be solved. Conflict helps to reduce the day-to-day annoyances of relating to someone else. If the message underlying each conflict is, “No matter what, I still love you,” your emotional bonds will grow stronger. If you have difficulty resolving conflict, examine your conflict management style and consider experimenting with other styles. In a successful marriage, there are many conflicts, but they are managed with respect. There is no right and wrong and couples must often agree to disagree!
Step #5: LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR ANGER Everyone gets angry. Anger is often a reaction to frustration, hurt or fear. If one of you is angry, there is a problem that needs to be resolved. It is how you express your anger that is important. You are each responsible for managing these feelings. If you are out of control, you can do permanent damage to the relationship. Make a commitment to a few rules for fair fighting. Focus on the situation at hand without bringing up a list of grievances from the past. Name-calling, sarcasm and putdowns are off limits. Communicate your anger directly by making “I” statements (I feel___, because____). “You” statements blame and accuse and may result in your partner shutting down. Be sure to express your anger, as holding in anger can lead to depression, headaches, stomachaches and other physical symptoms. You might want to work on your own self-esteem if you don’t feel entitled to express your anger.
Step #6: HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.Your spouse is not going to be able to make you happy all of the time. If you are stressed or feeling down, it is your responsibility to manage your own life. Your spouse can support you, but there are limits. Personal issues and conflicts you brought into the marriage do not suddenly vanish. In fact, they may get worse. Marriage works best when two “whole” people join together to share and enhance each other’s live. If you are too needy, you will overload your partner with your needs and demands. Be realistic and accept that you need other relationships and interests in order to feel fulfilled and complete.
Step #7: REACH OUT FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT.The transition from single to married is filled with so many changes. It often takes several years to move from life “my way” to life “our way”. Marriage is always a work in progress. If you feel you are struggling, don’t struggle alone. Reach out to a professional before your problems become overwhelming. If your partner is not willing to participate (at first), go alone because any small change you make will ripple throughout your relationship. Reaching out for help is a great investment and speaks volumes for how much you value your marriage.
Excerpted from Dr. Schweiger’s upcoming book, PARTNERS FOR A LIFETIME: SEVEN STEPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE, to be released in January 2009.
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